Work Hate

Welcome Comrades!

2005-03-31T00:12:00.000+01:00

Greetings! Help yourself to some of our favourite WH articles and check out our archives.

How to lie and take a day off work
A guide to the great sick day getaway.

Are you a Metros*xual?
Take our test.

Using your rack to get a promotion
Tit for tat.

10 things to do when you're busy at work
Don't make work for idle hands.

Work is filthy
Why going to work is bad for your health.

The Work H@te CV
How we didn't get the job, we'll never know.

The World's worst jobs.
You thought you had it bad.

Job interview tips!
The Dos and Don'ts.

Job interview tips!
Reasons for leaving your previous job.

Working from home
Daytime TV & lots of toast.

Exit Interview

2004-09-26T14:34:00.000+01:00

Work H@te
Exit interview
17/09/04
Interviewer: Roundy Tubson

Reasons for leaving
It was agreed that, while Work H@te has been a lively member of the team, now is an excellent and opportune time to part company.

Work H@te's performance over the last year has been, at best, reluctant. Work H@te informs us that the reason for any lack luster effort was a dissatisfaction with the role (quote: "I'd rather staplegun my eyes to my brain than input one more digit into one more spreadsheet, you overly-officious, jumped-up, sneering little tub-bucket").

Outstanding issues
Although the subject was broached, Work H@te was not prepared to volunteer information regarding the still unexplained stationery deficit that coincided with Work H@te's time at the company. We would like to state for the record that Work H@te was wearing what can only be described as a smug smirk whenever this subject was mentioned. The interviewer would also like it to be noted that his pen and pad were missing at the end of the exit interview.

When quizzed about persistent ill health and absence, Work H@te fixed the interviewer with a steely look and responded: "Mondayphobia is a very serious and distressing medical condition. Any more implications that this is not the case will be dealt with by my lawyers."

Future plans
When discussing future plans, Work H@te became delirious; sobbing, laughing, and skipping around the room, singing: "I'm going to the other side of the planet to write a book! I'm going to be a writer on a national newspaper paper! Ah ha! Ah ha ha ha ha! Ah haaaaa!"

Leaving party
After mutual agreement that any further time spent together would be a second too long, Work H@te's leaving celebrations will entail the presentation of the bath salts and card purchased with the £3.12 from the circulated envelope. This will be followed by the ceremonial carrying of the pot plant and left over tinned soups from the desk drawer to the MD's car for the official 'last day lift to the station', and 'insincere wave-off'.

Comments
Work H@te was a difficult employee; reluctant to join the lottery syndicate or weekly line-dance bonding exercise. We are glad that they are finally moving on.

Procrastin...

2004-08-25T11:56:00.000+01:00

Tricks of the Trade
Time Waste Potential > 6 1/2 minutes

We recommend creating your own version of the Butchers’ Secret Language to use around the office. Tae Tish Sob!

Procrastin...

2004-08-25T09:23:00.000+01:00

Wordcount
Time Waste Potential > 11 minutes

Beautiful and strangely addictive. Addictive – 10577. See?

The Dog ate my Home Work

2004-08-18T16:55:00.000+01:00

OK, so we’re working from home at the moment and we thought it was going to a riot. Well, at least better than the daily misery we’re used to...

● Two words: Dial. Up. The Internet broadband revolution seems like a half-remembered dream.

● Being woken by the postman at 11.30am. The man’s got a bl**dy nerve.

● Absent-mindedly shovelling pickled onions, crab sticks, sausage rolls, wedges of cheddar and a jar of pesto into your face only to come round three hours later covered in mashed olives and flaky pastry.

● Being forced to watch cr*ppy day time TV soaps and charitably endure the acting efforts of imbeciles. Well, maybe not “forced” forced.

● No canteen - Beans on toast and half a Twix found in the sofa just don't cut it.

● The people you live with having no respect for your schedule, your workspace, or your love for cr*ppy day time TV soaps.

● Not getting the same sugar rush when you read Popbitch / Holy Moly / endless blogs / google news / p*rn in your own home.

● There’s no pre-work, after work or lunchtime rush at the gym. Bargain off-peak prices. Damn.

● My workstation - it is covered in crumbs and splashy tea! My screen - It is blue with an error message! Cleaners? IT Support? Hello? I take it all back, I take it all baaaaaack....!

Procrastin...

2004-08-12T17:31:00.000+01:00

Seven Deadly Sins
Time Waste Potential > Depends on how slothful you are, sinner

Ever wondered what the eternal punishment for being greedy? Well you’re put in cauldrons of boiling oil, of course! This website pulls no punches when discussing the very worst side of humanity - “You probably commit some of them every day without thinking about the rich tradition of eternal damnation in which you’re participating” – but luckily has a sense of humour with it, because as it explains, “haven’t people always been immoral, shiftless, self gratifying, good-for-nothing sh*ts”? We’ll drink to that!

Warning: May make you think twice about sleeping with your married co-worker or stealing from the office. Then again it probably won’t.

The Art of Giving

2004-08-10T09:41:00.000+01:00

Bored of the same old card / cake combo every time a colleague has a birthday / gets hitched / goes to jail? Then why not try something a little different…

Roll Your Own

Oragami, the Japanese art of paper folding, has been around for hundreds of years. Now welcome the origami boulder, or “wadded up paper” as coined by its creater. Not only do they make great gifts, but for an extra few bucks your origami boulder will come with a hand written haiku. Bonsai!

Don’t come back, Hilary

Lumbered with the sad envelope of twenty pence coins that constitutes Hilary’s retirement pressie fund? Never fear. The Retirement Gift Shop hosts a galaxy of moving and inspiring retirement gifts, including the $9.95 Don’t Look Back retirement candle, a 9 oz wax creation with tranquility fragrance, decorated with a ‘lovely beach sign’, that ‘reminds the retiree to move forward.’

Say it with a funeral car

Birthdays, maternity leave, retirement, new job. Nothing says ‘we neither know nor are fond of anything about you’ like a business card sculpture.Yes, for just $64.95 + shipping, you can convert twenty business cards into an amazing bottled card sculpture of a golfer, an ambulance, a computer, even a stock counter. In the words of Business Card Sculptures, they are, ‘truly, a work of art.’
Looking for something a little different? How about a business card hearse, the perfect retirement gift.

Men have become Office Nancies, explains someone called Nancy

2004-08-06T12:30:00.001+01:00

It’s a question that most men who work in an office environment are asking right now. Am I a metrosexual? Am I? Don’t laugh, I’m being serious.

Metrosexual men have “'fabulous communication skills, are kinder and gentler, are consensus builders and have good emotional intelligence - traits traditionally associated with women.” They dress well; have great posture and even better hair.

Doesn’t sound like you? Take our quick Work Hate Metrosexuality Test just to be safe:

Are you a Metrosexual?

Your female colleague takes out some lip balm. Do you…

1. Ask her what flavour it is and comment that Body Shop’s watermelon and jojoba is equally enjoyable – and great for the ravishing effects of air-conditioning?
2. Take out your own lip balm and apply it discreetly in the men’s room?
3. Ask if you can borrow some, using your little finger to deftly scoop up said balm?
4. Go back to your desk and spend the rest of the afternoon touching yourself and imagining Rachel Weisz applying different types of balm to her different types of lips.

What’s your favourite colour?

1. Peach
2. Honeydew
3. Anything that doesn’t clash with my tan suede man-bag
4. Blood

Two female colleagues are standing by the water cooler talking about their family life / emotions / hopes and dreams. Do you…

1. Stand next to them, nodding occasionally, saying “amen to that, sister” and generally being an effective listener?
2. Tell them about the time you found a lame duckling in your driveway and nursed it back to health, even fashioning a small crutch for it to use to get in and out of the bathtub to swim.
3. Hear all the pain and suffering in these beautiful women’s’ lives and break down, your salty tears mixing with the cup of filtered water you’ve only just poured yourself.
4. Make a sarcastic remark about this being the reason “no work gets done around here”, staring at their tits the entire time.

Results:

Mostly 1’s, 2’s or 3’s
You’re a Metrosexual! Metty, Metty, Metty! Oh, we tease. You’ll find that your ability to empathize and comment on this seasons fashions will help your professional life considerably. Either that or you’ll move to Bangkok’s Red Light District and become a Lady Boy.

Mostly 4’s
You’re a Metty too, you big Metty! Why? Because real men don’t read blogs. Most of them can’t even read. They’re too busy wrestling and felling logs to learn a pansy art like “letters”. Metty.

Like Shooting Fish in a Barrel #2

2004-07-26T16:30:00.001+01:00

Read Like Shooting Fish in a Barrel # 1 to see what the h*ll we're going on about...

It was exactly 10.33am when Terry realised the second tab of Red Dragon had finally begun to kick in.

Iconography: Hand-free phone piece. Hallucinogenics.

2004-07-26T16:30:00.000+01:00

Gary wasn’t used to being talked down to.

“Read the sign. Systems Engineer. Does it say I’m your b*tch? No, I don’t think so.” Garry said, rolling his eyes - only seconds before Larry beat the sh*t out of him.

Iconography: Computer. Maps. Oppressed s*xuality.

2004-07-26T16:29:00.000+01:00

As a tribute to her years of tireless service at Mason & Mason, Alice's body was stuffed and displayed in the company reception room after her death - an honour only usually bestowed on directors.

Iconography: Hand-free phone piece. Taxidermy.

2004-07-26T16:27:00.000+01:00

“Get off, you b*stard!” Johnson spat, trying to push him off, “Go back to accounts where you belong!”

“Never!” Smith yelled back, clutching onto the corporate ladder for dear life, tears streaming down his face as he recalled everything that he had sacrificed.

Iconography: Men in suits. On ladders.

2004-07-26T16:26:00.000+01:00

And then, suddenly, Moira felt something warm against her thigh.

Iconography: Woman holding open laptop invitingly. Man with briefcase. Another lady with a clipboard. Oh, and lotsa browns & beige. This company totally digs browns & beige.

FYI: Workplace is Anathema to Nature

2004-07-15T10:16:00.000+01:00

Oh dear. Not only are colleagues stealing each other’s lunch but now their destroying each others pot plants. Mlive.com brings our attention to a Ms. Virgil who tried to grow herbs at her office until the lack of sunlight and an unhelpful co-worker, Bill, who dumped hot coffee on them, killed the poor flora.

"It was a sad reminder that I should never again attempt to garden at the office," she says, recalling that colleagues had warned her that "nothing can grow in this lifeless government agency."

Next time we suggest that Ms. Virgil grows herbs in the privacy of her own home to relieve all that pent up tension. And when we say ‘herbs’ we’re not talking about oregano here people.

Procrastin...

2004-07-13T10:38:00.000+01:00

I Work with Fools
Time Waste Potential > 16 minutes a day.

Misery doesn't just love company, it wants a group orgy. I Work With Fools is the perfect place to vent your workplace atrocities - just give your boss/colleague a scathingly funny pseudonym and off you go!

Lunch Larson Lunacy

2004-07-12T11:50:00.000+01:00

The Seattle Times reports on the workplace phenomenon of the food thief.

Susie Findell was working for a health-care organization years ago when she encountered an odd and disturbing problem in the workplace.
"Someone would go into our lunch sacks or lunchboxes and take a bite out of our sandwiches," she says.

Dear God! Is nothing sacred?

“Oh sure, laugh now,” Susie rebuffs, “but at the time the hungry victims weren't amused. It's very invasive,” she adds. “We were very upset.”

To avoid this type of trauma, memorize our list of Workplace Eater Anomalies. We also suggest you create flashcards for your next team meeting.

The Finisher –
Characteristics: You’re just about to make a hot drink but alas, the Finisher has only moments before used up the last of the milk, sugar, coffee and also has the last clean cup. As you forage hopelessly through the fridge, the Finisher will watch you with their big puppy dog eyes and sip from their steaming mug. Wankers.
Most likely to say: “Ah, sorry – I think I just used the last of it.”

The Sharer –
Characteristics: Back in 1986 the Sharer brought a chocolate cake for morning tea and ever since has used this as a way of bullying co-workers out of food. They also have the ability to hear a packet of biscuits being opened within a 20 mile radius.
Most likely to say: “Isn’t it your turn to make coffee for everyone?”

The Secret Eater –
Characteristics: No one has seen them consume food, ever. Possibly anorexic and/or stuck up.
Most likely to say: “No really, I had a huge breakfast.”

The Borrower –
Characteristics: Plans to replace the food they eat but never gets round to it. Even managed to find the things you hid behind that jar of pickled onions which have been there since World War 2.
Most likely to say: “Oh, I hope you don’t mind - I just had a few.”

The Snack Machine –
Characteristics: Inability to consume anything vaguely nutritious. Continually away from desk purchasing “eats”. Winegums a dietary staple.
Most likely to say: “So the doctor says I’m hyperglycemic...”

The Hamburglar –
Characteristics: Easy to spot due to his love of hamburgers, stripy suit and the fact that he’s a fictional character used to market junk food to children.
Most likely to say: Not a big talker. Will say “Robble robble robble” if pushed, whatever the f*ck that means.

Anyway, give up eating your lunch at the office. It’s bad for your health.

Sunny Day Skives

2004-07-08T10:05:00.000+01:00

Continuing our series on ways to pull a summer sickie and get away with your tan…

"The yashmack? Do you like it? I thought it might be a good way to boost productivity. I can try and cover up with sweaters and the like, but my bre*sts are just so full and bouncy! Not fair on the chaps, really."

Procrastin...

2004-07-07T09:36:00.000+01:00

Bulge Report
Time Waste Potential > 13 minutes.

'Enrique Iglesias Ends Rumors: "I could actually have the smallest penis in the world . . ."' A great website for bored secretaries and insecure execs. And afterwards why not name your own?

Sunny Day Skives

2004-07-06T11:44:00.000+01:00

"I don’t think I can make it in today… no.. I definitely… oooo… barbeque last night… pink chicken… gaaah… mmmbb… bye!"

Sunny Day Skives

2004-07-05T09:52:00.000+01:00

"I’m afraid I won’t be in today, I have to go the hospital for my repigmentation treatment. For my vitaligo? Oh you are sweet, of course you’ve noticed. Yes, it’s only temporary, but it restores the pigment to the areas where the melancytes cells have died. I’ll probably look like I’ve been in the park all day! Oh, if only I could! I haven’t been able to tolerate sunlight without SPF 30 sun block since I was a child…"

Sunny Day Skives

2004-07-02T17:27:00.000+01:00

Summer’s here, and the time is right for skiving in the park. Here’s a little selection of Work Hate’s favourite ways to sun ourselves on company time, and explain to the boss how we acquired the cute smattering of freckles across our noses when we were supposed to be retching into a bucket. If you think you can do better, well quite frankly, we don’t care. We’re going to change into linen shirts and go and sit in the garden...

"Blimey, it's been so gloomy lately, you'd think it was the middle of winter! Do you know what, I thought I'd been feeling a bit low recently, must be the old seasonal affective disorder playing up again. Come to think of it, I better take tomorrow off and sit in front of a light box, it's my sister's wedding this weekend and I don't think she'd appreciate a clinically depressed bridesmaid! British summer time, pfft!"

FYI: The Sweet Smell of Excess

2004-07-01T09:47:00.000+01:00

The International Herald Tribune explains that "fragrance has emerged as one of the more annoying and insidious allergies of the modern office, where workers share the air and musky colognes, often in climate-controlled towers with tightly sealed windows."

We'd go so far as saying that very smelly people (the over-fragranced or the un-deodorised) should undergo shock therapy to combat their anti-social behaviour as well as a week counselling to integrate them back into a moderately fragranced community. Either that or they could invent offices with windows that open...

Procrastin...

2004-06-30T16:54:00.000+01:00

Found Magazine
Time Waste Potential > 30 minutes.

"We collect FOUND stuff: love letters, birthday cards, kids' homework, to-do lists, ticket stubs, poetry on napkins, telephone bills, doodles- anything that gives a glimpse into someone else's life."

FYI: Hoarsely-whispered reports of Laryngitis sky-rocket

2004-06-25T10:38:00.000+01:00

You may know by now that Work Hate is proud champion of the mental health day and so it will come as no surprise that we were horrified to discover this in the Metro:

“Firms are hiring nurses to grill staff over their symptoms. Instead of phoning the boss, workers are now being told to ring a call centre where they must detail their symptoms to a nurse. Active Health Partners, which has started the scheme and has 20 clients, claims it slashes the number of sick days.

'Our nurses will give staff confidential advice to help them improve quicker' said managing director Alan Aldridge.
Of 176 million sick days in Britain last year, 25 million were believed suspicious, he added."

This, of course, raises an obvious question. How many times can you ring up and complain of a dry mouth / headache / bloodshot eyes / loss of will to live - before they start getting 'suspicious'?

Read our tips for pulling the ultimate sickie

Like Shooting Fish in a Barrel

2004-06-23T13:16:00.000+01:00

Here we dissect the art of the Business Image, a practice long shrouded in mystery. Few people know that this tradition originated in a Tibetan Monastery circa 1542. Monks would take turns wearing pinstripe suits and posing in a range of tableaux: holding a mobile phone, walking behind a glazed window carrying a suitcase, chewing on a biro - as an offering to Buddha. Buddha would later become patron deity of the NASDAQ.

Bravely defying all copyright laws, Work Hate takes a closer look at some seminal images and critiques them for a modern audience.

She's happy. She's holding out her hand. "It's easy as Pie," she seems to be saying. She's beautiful and she knows it. When she walks into the office in the mornings Nick (foreground) imagines that she takes out her bun and shakes her hair loose. In his fantasy there's a wind machine. Time slows down. He'd love to sleep with her but he's afraid that she might laugh at his collection of toy trains that he's been collecting since he was nine.

Iconography: Cross Eyed Black Woman. Check. Out of focus map of the world. Check. Blindingly white teeth. Checkity Check.

2004-06-23T13:15:00.001+01:00

The potion had worked. They were now officially the new big thing on Wall Street. Taking stock of the situation Amanda surveyed the crowd, and spying Mr Partridge, she leaned in for the kill.

Iconography: Phallic Buildings. Blindingly white teeth. M*crophilia.

2004-06-23T13:15:00.000+01:00

Sheesh, Token Black Woman much? She might as well be wearing a tribal mask and breastfeeding twins. Actually, I think that's what this picture needs. Oh, and the guy on the left is hiding a stiffy.

Iconography: Token Black Woman. Complementary Colours. Erections.

2004-06-23T13:14:00.001+01:00

The cocktails at lunch had made them all a bit giddy. Dan was on his mobile phone. "Do you do rooms by the hour?" he was asking. Tina turned to Kathryn. "That Margarita has gone right to my head. I feel quite reckless," she giggled.

Iconography: Mobile phone. Ugly neck tie. Blindingly white teeth.

2004-06-23T13:14:00.000+01:00

At the next meeting Grant couldn't help feel he'd acted rashly after Mr Wesley had instructed him to "turn up the heat."

Iconography: Suits. Erm, a tanning booth?

2004-06-23T13:13:00.000+01:00

At lunchtimes, the team masqueraded as a vindictive little 7 year-old girl named Daisy at the Official Olsen Twins Chat Room.

Iconography: Token Black People. Jug of Vodka.

Procrastin...

2004-06-11T16:10:00.000+01:00

Gay Hanky Codes
Time Waste Potential > 22 minutes.

Team Building exercises can help you gain stronger bonds with your colleagues. Suggest a “Gay Hanky Code Day” to your boss as an original way to fortify communication and exploration in the office. >>>

Skive of the Week

2004-05-25T15:56:00.000+01:00

Hey everyone, just to let you know that I’m really exhausted at the moment; the doctor has just diagnosed me with obstructive sleep apnea. Y’see, my throat closes up while I’m in the land of nod, and my body has to wake me up hundreds of times to breathe. I don’t even know it’s happening! Mad, huh?
I’m totally knackered because of it, so if you see me lolling on my keyboard, just slip a pillow under my head and leave me be, yeah? Actually, I think I’m going to have a lie down in the boardroom for half an hour…

Pedal to the Metal

2004-05-20T16:25:00.000+01:00

10 things to do when you’re busy as h*ll at work.

Buy the largest packet of painkiller you can find. If anyone starts putting pressure on you, hold them up and yell, “Don’t make me take all of these!”

Outsource. Through the wonders of the Internet a 14 year old Lithuanian will complete your spreadsheets for little more than 2 pence a week (U.S. 5 cents).

Set achievable goals and reward yourself with bits and bobs from the stationary cupboard when you attain them.

Never underestimate the power of crying.

Don’t ignore your daily procrastinations; use time management to keep them in your schedule.

Find times to de-stress and use deep breathing exercises at least once every day. Team Meetings are a good place to start.

See how quickly you can push all the buttons on your keyboard. It’s a great way to get rid of tension, and if anyone’s looking they’ll think you’re working really, really fast.

Avoid talking to anyone by pretending you have laryngitis. If they still persist, try shaking your body and rolling your eyes as if you’re having a seizure.

Take up smoking. That way you get a couple more breaks every day.

Replace regular coffee with decaf to make you feel less edgy. Then substitute the caffeine with amphet*mines for that extra get-up-and-go.

Procrastin...

2004-05-18T10:59:00.000+01:00

White Ninja
Time Waste Potential > 2 minutes a day.

White Ninja is a twisted little character. We like. >>>

Procrastin...

2004-05-05T09:31:00.000+01:00

Huh Corps
Time Waste Potential > Ten minutes reading, and then an hour sending it to all your friends.

Workhate officially opens our cynical and world weary arms to embrace our better looking but equally astute sister site. Huh – we salute you! >>>

Work Hate CURRICULUM VITAE

2004-04-27T17:26:00.000+01:00

Name: Davina Oliver
Age: 25
Address: Granny Flat, The Pines, Carson Crescent, New Southgate

EDUCATION

Thunderbird Comprehensive, New Southgate
I found school to be a wonderful outlet for my creativity, managing to skive a whole term of physical education using only a pad of Basildon Bond, a pot of tiger balm, and my older sister's polisystic ovaries.

Bong College of Tertiary Education, Camden
Sixth form life expanded my mind, and honed my skills in weights, measures, and financial transactions.

Gap year - New Southgate Golf Club
Like so many of my contemporaries, I opted for a gap year. After considering charity work in Rwanda, I accepted a challenging position as a kitchen porter for New Southgate Golf Club, where I could not only learn about the intricacies of the working world, but also pay back the court fines.

Bognor Poly University, Bognor
When searching for the right university, the all-embracing admissions policy at Bognor appealled the most strongly, accepting students not on grades or points, but on the fact that they had applied. Whilst there, I learned many useful skills, such as getting a deposit back by not paying the last month's rent. At the end of my course, I attained at degree in, um, sports science? (Check with mum)

WORK EXPERIENCE

Bar Maid, New Southgate Golf Club, September 2002 - December 2002
After a relaxing break from the stresses of academia, I rejoined New Southgate Golf Club in a front of house capacity, enabling the ceasation of enthusiastic daily careers advice from my mother, and furthering my expertise in the specialist field of drink-driving golf carts.

Charity Fundraiser, December 2002 - April 2003
In December 2002, having decided the time was ripe to harvest the fruits of my university education, I enrolled with my local branch of Office Stars, who helpfully arranged for me to stand out in the pissing rain, irritating the sh*t out of people.

Adult Entertainment Executive, April 2003 - May 2003
Aiming to raise money for a round the world trip, I took a position as a dancer in popular Northolt night spot. However, I decided not to complete the three month probation following an accidental fall from a slippery pole, where a customer was injured and I was subsequently frog-marched to the 492 bus stop in a thong, cowboy boots and nipple tassels.

Administrative Assistant, Bumblefuk & Groper, May 2003 - present
For the last year, I have worked for Bumblefuk & Groper solicitors in Crouch End. Responsibilities include:

 Misappropriation of stationery
 Refreshment facilitation and co-ordination
 Daily upkeep of the instant messaging system
 Rest facility specific deep meditation
 Reaching low files for senior staff members

After a year and Bumblefuk & Groper, I feel I have mastered all there is to learn at the firm, and am ready to move on to anything, anything else at all.

ABOUT ME
I am an outgoing, fun-loving person who relishes a challenge, and a successful one-on-one communicator (42 last count!). Since the passing of my grandmother, I enjoy an independent life whilst maintaining strong family ties, frequently seeing my mother when she heads up the garden to remove furry mugs from under my bed.

Hobbies include, socialising with a large network of acquaintances, one-on-one communications, um, pony riding, and jigsaws.

Job Search Tips! #2

2004-04-23T11:39:00.000+01:00

The Interview: General Hints

Do
Listen carefully. If you feel the question is unclear, ask politely for clarification.
Don’t
Bring your Mum in her best dress, and wearing a sticker on her chest that reads ‘Interpreter’.

Do
Pause before answering to consider all facts that may substantiate your response.
Don’t
Finally answer, “Pass.”

Do
Focus and re-focus attention on your successes.
Don’t
Focus and re-focus attention on your crotch.

Do
Maintain eye-contact.
Don’t
Forget to blink occasionally. Once or twice every ten minutes should suffice.

Do
your homework. Research the company and the position if possible, as well, the people you will meet with at the interview.
Don’t
Casually mention that you like the interviewer’s new car – but the colour he’s painting his four year-olds bedroom might be a bit dark.

Do
Encourage the interviewer to share information about his or her company.
Don’t
Encourage the interviewer to join the 21st Century and get a f**king clue.

Do
Get directly to the point.
But don’t
ask “So are you going to hire my *ss, or what?”

Do
know the question behind the question.
Don’t
ask suspiciously what the question behind the question is – and then cry when they don’t understand what you mean.

Do
Be careful not to bare your soul and tell tales that are inappropriate or beyond the scope of the interview.
Don't
Hang out your dirty laundry. Literally.

Do
Enter into a state of relaxed concentration.
Don’t
ask for a cushion and something to put behind your head.

Do
Follow up with an effective "thank you" letter.
Don’t
Follow up with an effective "thank you" letter b*mb.

Procrastin...

2004-04-16T11:28:00.000+01:00

Create My Picture
Time Waste Potential > Seriously, all day. We lost a week of our lives on this website.

Create a delicious parody of your boss with this face maker, and then tell the image exactly what you hate about them. Think of it as therapy.>>>

Job Search Tips! #1

2004-04-16T10:45:00.000+01:00

The Interview: Reasons for Leaving Your Current Job

Do Say
"I’m looking for a new challenge."
Don’t Say
"They stopped paying me."

Do Say
"My current employer is downsizing."
Don’t Say
"…and then she said if I didn’t leave straight away the company would press charges and make me pay for the damage to the photocopier."

Do Say
"My current employer is relocating."
Don’t Say
"They moved offices and didn't tell me where the new one was."

Do Say
"Business is poor and the company’s financial situation is looking insecure."
Don’t Say
"…because I’ve been robbing them blind for the past 5 years. You’d think they would have caught on by now. I mean, Prada shoes on my salary? Idiots."

Do Say
"I’m relocating to be with a significant other."
Don’t say
"Your office is closer to where my f**k buddy lives."

Do Say
"I prefer the climate here - I needed a change."
Don’t say
"I really like your scarf. Can I touch it? That’s lovely material, where did you get it from? I bet it feels lovely on your bare skin. I might have to get one. It wouldn’t chaff my wrists as much."

Procrastin...

2004-04-07T11:32:00.000+01:00

Virtual Bubble Wrap
Time Waste Potential > 11 seconds but hours if you have a proposal to finish.

We have been less than diligent work haters of late. Our excuse (and by now you should have realised – we always have one) is that we have been FORCED AGAINST our WILL to do EVEN MORE WORK than before. But the good news is we have much more hate. It’s a ying/yang thang. >>>

Random Acts of H*tred

2004-03-30T17:09:00.000+01:00

M*rons in meetings
Nobody wants to be there. Everyone is battling valiantly to stay awake. Yet, there is always one with abso-f**king-lutely nothing to say, and ten thousand ways to say it. Any other business? H*ll yes. Bullied at school? You betcha.

The IT guy
"Outlook won’t work because you have so many huge files in your inbox – that one’s twenty mega smega gigs! We’ve only got 28 ram capacity! Well, my lovely, now I can lean right over you in far too intimate a fashion, smugly breathing my vile coffee breath right into your recoiling face, clicking through dull programmes at an amazing rate, talking utter geek sh*te about installing a link to the proxy server, and shutting down your MSN conversation without warning. God I am so lonely."

Skive of the Week

2004-03-30T17:07:00.000+01:00

"You know Ms. Boss; you’ve done an amazing thing allowing me to get the National Blood Service to come into the office today. Yes, it was a big disruption, and I guess we’re not going to be all that productive now, but think of all those tiny, bleeding babies that we’ve saved! Whoa, I’m coming over all woozy again – be a love and stick the kettle on would you? And while you’re there, slide that packet of digestives over – I can’t… quite… reach..."

Random Acts of H*tred

2004-03-24T17:07:00.000Z

Hot Beverage Rigmarole
Worn down with boredom and despair, you accidentally stray within ten feet of the kettle and like a jack-in-the box, the office joker leaps up, yelping: ‘Making a brew?’ Thus begins half an hour of washing up, water boiling and the desperately complex preparation of thirty cups of steaming fluids - ranging from lightly infused fennel tea to quite strong PG Tips with just a splash of semi-skimmed milk and one and three quarter sugars. Kill! Kill!

Skive of the Week

2004-03-17T16:01:00.000Z

"I’m afraid I won’t be in on Friday; it’s the start of Vernal. You know - Spring Equinox. Actually, I don’t imagine I’ll make it in on Monday either. You know the days and nights balance on Sunday? I’m going to be well knackered; we’re spending all day Sunday sowing seeds, painting eggs and generally celebrating the first signs of fertility and rebirth because it’s the festival of Ostara. Ostara? You know, Norse Goddess of Fertility? Gee, I can’t wait ‘til the Sun God’s strength increases, can you?"

Company Announcement

2004-03-17T14:56:00.000Z

It’s official, work is filthy. But, no fears, the diligent team here at workhate has come up with some alternatives to eating lunch at your desk.

1. Choose the most hygienic person in your office (one who has thrown their entire life into cleanliness due to lack of sex) and eat at their desk instead.

2. Find a vent or an unused cupboard and eat your lunch there. Make ghost noises when anyone walks nearby.

3. Bring a thick green tarpaulin to create a “hygiene tent” around your desk and insist that everyone go into the “decontamination chamber” before they enter. And by “decontamination chamber” we mean “sponge bath.”

4. Each day invite a colleague out for lunch at a restaurant and tell them a fictional personal tragedy to avoid paying.

5. Don’t touch your desk when you eat. Or your chair. Or the floor. In fact, hire someone to come in each day, cut up your food into little pieces and then drop it into your mouth from a height while you hop from one foot to the next.

6. Just have a very big breakfast and a very big dinner and sleep between meals to conserve energy.

7. Bring a cat to work each day to lick your hands and face clean before and after eating.

8. Eat outside on the windowsill. Throw your crusts at cars.

9. Don’t have lunch. Inform your colleagues that you’re going on a hunger strike until you get a pay rise. Hey, it worked for Gandhi.

10. Go out and have your lunch in a park or something, Einstein. Sheesh, you want us to eat it for you too?

Email us lunch.

Word Up

2004-03-15T14:56:00.000Z

malinger \muh-LING-guhr\, intransitive verb:
To feign or exaggerate illness or inability in order to avoid
duty or work.

Creating a Dialogue

2004-03-12T11:58:00.000Z

Say it like it is! We hear ya! Testify! Praise the Lord!
We'd like to thank everyone who took part in our poll. View the results here.

Procrastin...

2004-03-09T16:00:00.000Z

Virtual Stapler
Time Waste Potential > 8.6 minutes.

“Rough clippings gather
Rustling in their loose embrace
Stapler brings order”

Ah ha! ha! ha! ha! haaaaa! *sighs* Staplers... >>>

Skive of the Week

2004-03-09T15:57:00.000Z

“I have contracted hemorrhagic fever; there must have been an Aedes Aegypti mosquito in the straw donkey my nephew brought back from South America for me. I’m OK, just a bit of a headache, some joint pain and a little internal bleeding. I should be back in the next few days. If I don’t die.”

Procrastin...

2004-03-04T13:02:00.000Z

You Must Choose
Time Waste Potential > 16 minutes.

Oh, the moral dilemmas! Should I stop winging and actually get my CV into shape so I can leave this hell hole? Should I stop trying to make the new temp cry/pregnant? Should I ignore this fun website that Work Hate has brought to my attention and actually start doing some work? The answer to all these questions and more is – no, you soft bastard. >>>

Procrastin...

2004-02-20T11:59:00.000Z

Cooking By Numbers
Time Waste Potential > 5 minutes a day.

What a great idea! Start planning your evening dinners at work with this wee website that suggests delicious meals composed entirely from your leftovers! Yes, that's what we thought too until we realised that the only contents of our fridge were a dribble of milk, some dry, horrible cheese and a stinking pulpy mess where the vegetable drawer used to be. >>>

Company Assets

2004-02-20T11:44:00.003Z

Got baps? Use 'em. And I don't mean prawn and egg baps from M&S, I'm talking about the Girls. Big 'n bouncy, little 'n pointy, perky 'n firm, these little bags of fun are your built-in skiving accomplice.

* Stock up on button-up blouses and zip-up cardigans - flexibility is the key. Displaying your puppies to female colleagues will put their nose out of joint, but an unexpected progress meeting with a male boss could go right up the swanny when your only get out of jail free cards are battened down under a heavy knit.

* When facing a perilous time in the office, trying to bag a client, asking for extra time off, running to be late, etc. wear flimsy fabrics and an unpadded bra. Think icebergs and stand in a draft. They'll be so captivated by the peanuts thrusting forth from your shirt that they won't catch a word you said, and will have no choice but to give you whatever you ask for. This works on both sexes.

* Using bre*sts on l*sbians is a schoolgirl error - don't do it. They have breasts too, you know, and probably have far more fun using them to bamboozle dribbling males than you do.

* Bend over a lot. You might be a work-shy, lazy-*ss p*ss-taker, but a give your boss a long, lingering eyeful of your softly fragrant bosom on a regular basis, and the rancid little p*rv'll be shelling out for your rent for as long as you want him to.

* Press them into people. Birthdays, leaving dos, contract celebrations, hell, the Friday before a long weekend - when hugging male colleagues, give 'em a little squish. In straight man land, this means you are longing to do the horizontal tango, and the memory of that one brush of those little bags of fat should have him fighting your corner forever. If he forgets, simply toy with your neckline to snap his mind back to his pants where it belongs.

Mission Statement

2004-02-16T11:43:00.000Z

Everything we write for workhate is created at a place of employment when we should be doing something productive for the people who actually pay us a wage - but instead we’re secretively typing away, glancing over our shoulder in case anyone sneaks up and discovers what we’re really up to.

Procrastin...

2004-02-11T12:44:00.000Z

Business Card Romance.
Time Waste Potential > 61 seconds.

Nothing says “true love” like a half finished, poorly maintained website. We are invited to “come on in” and “listen to the love story of Jason and Chrys – an office romance” and oogle at Chrys’s great rack. Well, maybe not that last part. >>>

Work Love – Invest in Office Romance (...and just in time for Valentines Day!)

2004-02-10T12:02:00.000Z

A recent newspaper article revealed that “the majority of workers have had a romantic relationship with a colleague - and half of those who have done so admit it affected their work” Too right! There’s nothing like a mid-afternoon quickie behind the stack of photocopy paper to break up a monotonous day!

1. Have a gay romance.
As the saying goes - “a change is as good as a holiday!”

2. Sleep with the boss.
An oldie but a goody. Raise the stakes by suggesting a thr**some with Trish from Accounting.

3. Out source.
Go on a date and then instead of going back to their house, take them to your workplace and do it on a colleague’s desk. Then act all innocent the next day when Trish from Accounting complains about pubic hairs on her keyboard.

4. Have an online affair.
Stop sitting round, wasting time when you could be having hot cyber sex with a complete stranger in Norway!

5. Date yourself.
Send yourself flowers and make your workmates jealous. Tip: Don’t write on the card “To me.”

6. Hit on the cleaning lady.
Leave little notes on your desk like “I really like the way you leave everything so tidy” and “Hey Cleaning Lady, wanna go halves on a baby?”

7. Look at porn.
Everyone loves porn. So wait till a colleague has gone to lunch and then use their computer to browse some of the best bestiality sites the web has to offer.

8. Match make.
Spike the water cooler with tequila and watch love blossom.

9. Have an affair with your boss’s wife/husband.
Again, extra points if Trish from Accounting is involved.

10. Have an office romance in the style of…
Jane Austen. Bridget Jones. American Psycho. You choose.

Tell us about love in your office. Especially the saucy bits. Send photos if need be.

Procrastin...

2004-02-06T10:51:00.000Z

Fametracker
Time Waste Potential > 45 minutes.

If they hadn’t already created Fametracker we’d try and build it really quickly before anyone else thought of it, and perhaps make lots of money. But they have. Lucky punks. >>>

Office Jargon 2

2004-02-04T15:20:00.000Z

To avoid confusing office speak workhate proudly brings you a growing list of jargon definitions that will help you with inter-personnel communication. Or something.

Time Management
i) The art of doing just enough work to fill a 40 hour Excel spreadsheet, whilst spending the majority of the week surfing for a new job and replying to personal emails.
ii) Stretch your lunch hour to the max by leaving your desk 5 minutes after everyone else does, yet say you went 5 minutes before they arrived back. Soon, you'll be enjoying two hour lunches at leisure.

Stationary supplies
A useful pool of attractive Post It Notes, coloured paper clips, binders, folders, envelopes, and good quality paper, useful for the production of impressive CVs and the topping up of employees’ home supplies.

Media Job
Inclusion of the word ‘media’ in any job advertisement entitles employers to slash salaries to just below that of a street sweeper, whilst demanding long hours, fashionable clothing, gratitude, and sexual favours.

Company Mail
Too much Xmas shopping? Don't struggle home with it on the bus. Post it home. Also very handy for sending those ebay valuables you've sold to someone in Mongolia via courier.

Graduate
Naïve, fresh, wide-eyed workforce newbie, armed with an irrelevant degree, ready to take on the world of work. Useful for washing up and filing. Will work for practically nothing, less if job description contains the word ‘placement’.

Environmental Policy
Deciding who does all the dishes in the shared kitchen.

Proposal
Emailing a colleague sitting opposite, asking them if they’d like a drink after work and then winking when they make eye contact.

email us

Top Ten Reasons to Actually Do Some Work

2004-02-03T10:15:00.000Z

Very occassionally it pays to be productive at your job. Here are 10 reasons why you should put down that newspaper and inject a little get up & go into your day. Warning: the following requires actual 'work'.

1. Your superiors will be out of the office the next day.
Get tiresome tasks out of the way, leaving the management-free time available for non-PC based distractions, such as reading the paper. Most work avoidance techniques involve the computer to escape detection, but staring at a screen all day is bad for your eyes. Clear the way for a well-deserved break.

2. You have become bored with group email/web board/PC game/texting/searching for alternative employment/drawing unflattering caricatures of colleagues.
Under no circumstances must you become tired of these things. They are your lifeline. Without them, you have nothing.

3. There is a meeting coming up.
Always keep a keen eye on meeting dates when you will have to report back on your activities. Highlight your responsibilities in the minutes and make sure you have them all accomplished by the meeting date, enabling you to chirpily prattle on about how you have progressed the tasks you were given. Be vocal as you carry out the tasks, making others feel inefficient. This way, you can maintain a charade of usefulness when you are, in fact, a lazy toe rag.

4. Writing a ‘to do’ list.
Update this daily; it doesn’t matter if you are simply transferring the list to the next page in your notebook. Compiling a list every morning keeps tasks fresh in your mind for when colleagues ask you what you are doing, and if you are busy (‘god yes, I’ve got to blah blah blah, couldn’t possibly do x, sorry!’). Make sure to add easily accomplishable or imaginary tasks to the list, so you can cross them out with great aplomb at 5.30 and say ‘At least I got through half of it!’ before sweeping off home, cloaked in a smug air of accomplishment. A few minutes every day could save hours of actual work and makes you appear on top of things.

5. It is not the work you are getting paid for.
Get some freelance work, do it during office hours and get paid twice.

6. Expenses.
‘Nuff said.

7. Time sheets.
These are very important for shirkers who are asked to account for their time in the office. Take a few extra moments to get it right.

8. Training.
Say yes to everything, especially the free stuff. It will help you get the hell out of there one day. If no training is offered, ask. In addition to the main benefit, there are usually sandwiches, and you can offload a few of the more tedious and permanent items on your to do list onto colleagues, saying you are really worried it won’t get finished in time due to this ‘bl**dy training’.

9. There’s a promotion coming up.
If you can convince your superiors you are worthy of promotion, you can surf on their time for more money, perhaps even in your own office! While you’re stuck there, you might as well take them for everything you can.

10. Your boss is standing behind you.
Made you jump.

email us

Procrastin...

2004-01-30T10:30:00.000Z

Become a Ghost Hunter
Time Waste Potential > Endless.

We’ve spent hours trying but might just give up and buy the t-shirt instead. >>>

Office Jargon

2004-01-30T10:18:00.000Z

To avoid confusing office speak workhate proudly brings you a growing list of jargon definitions that will help you with inter-personnel communication. Or something.

Work Station
Area on which one’s colleagues can place unwanted work of their own.

Biz Dev
The sound a bee makes when it hits a window.

Human Resources
The art of utilising the work experience placement to full capacity - yet quietly blaming them if anything goes wrong.

Health & Safety
Taking a day off due to excessive alcohol/drug consumption the night before.

Vocation
Getting a job so you can afford a holiday in Greece.

Equal Opportunities
Female/disabled/gay/ethnic minority employees should possess a good sense of humour about having their bottom pinched/being called 'stumpy'/bad Larry Grayson impersonations/racist jokes.

Ethical Trading
i) Having reservations about shagging your boss (in return for a pay rise/day off/company stapler) but doing it anyway.
ii) Ebay at work. If it's not nailed down, sell it. Someone, somewhere in the world is even more unfulfilled than you are.

Promotion
Pay increase and title elevation bestowed on office spies.

The Great Sick Day Getaway

2004-01-29T10:44:00.000Z

Skiving off work for mental health reasons is a national tradition and yet many people in the workforce are unsure how to go about it. We offer top tips on pulling a perfect sickie to secure a guilt free day off.

1. Do Your Groundwork
If you know you’re having a bender of a weekend and will need a day off start complaining about your ailment a few days beforehand. If for example you want to skive on a Monday, start complaining about a dry throat on, say, Thursday (“is it hot in here or just me?”). On Friday morning you can apply a slightly paler foundation or stay up the previous night playing Xbox to give you an unhealthy glow. Your colleagues will naturally presume that your ailment continued to get worse over the weekend culminating you being forced to take Monday off.

2. Choose a Day
It’s very important that you get your timing right. A sickie before (or during) deadlines can cause angry noises upstairs and will have you huddled at home wracked with guilt. The beginning of the week is unadvisable because everyone is instantly sceptical of another case of Mondayitess. If you want a long weekend why not take Friday off instead? That way you can be “well again” on Monday morning and most people would have forgotten about your day off altogether, thereby avoiding uncomfortable questions about your “illness”.

3. Use an Unknowing Accomplice
There’s a certain type of person who always has tissues & cough syrup. He/she is overly sympathetic, sweet and gullible. These naïve and gentle folk can be used ruthlessly. Accept their offer of pain killers (it’s always good if you look slightly spacey) and use their sympathy and natural inclination to gossip to spread the fact that you are “unwell” around your workplace. You’ll only need to blow your nose before people begin imploring you to go home and take it easy.

4. Learn to live with Guilt
The G word is your worst enemy. If you feel guilty about taking time off you won’t enjoy it. Find some reason to justify the time off and keep (silently) repeating the mantra to yourself. When in doubt just remind yourself that everyone else does it and it’s your right as a member of the free world to take advantage of the system whenever possible. Damn fat cats.

5. Always Ring up Yourself
It’s the perfect crime – you decide to skive off work and get your flatmate/lover/Uncle to ring up your boss to tell them you can’t come in.

Lose one point.

Getting someone else to ring up for you smacks of deceit - you might as well have Aunty admit that you’re bunking off to spend the day drinking Johnny Walker in the bath. Genuinely sick people ring up so that their employer can hear the illness in their voice and, funnily enough, to prove that they’re not just pulling a sickie. So bite the bullet and pick up that phone.

6. Making the Call
If you haven’t laid any groundwork you can’t feasibly pretend you’re on deaths door (although you can smoke 40 cigarettes a few hours before ringing if you want to use emphysema as your excuse). In any case it’s a mistake to sound too pathetic when calling up sick. Try and be apologetic but adamant. You are ill. Be specific about your ailment, perhaps making a bad joke (“I’ll never eat Hummus again!”) and use the decisive phrase “I’m not well enough to come into work today.” Keep the conversation brief and refrain from comedy coughing.

7. Be Ingenious
If you don’t have time for groundwork try this simple trick to give you approx 1 – 3 days off. Ring your work and tell them that it’s very embarrassing but you fell over and hurt your leg. On the morning of your return get a dark coloured foundation and rub some on your knee to create a makeshift bruise. When you (limp) into work give your colleagues a brief flash of the bruise and watch their faces crumple in sympathy. That’ll teach ‘em for doubting you.

8. Never Tell the Truth
Don’t make the mistake of telling a colleague that you’re pulling a sickie – you don’t want them revealing it by accident or when grilled by the boss, or for it to be used against you at a later date.

9. Be Wary of e-lancing
Some people are so wracked with guilt when they pull a sickie (or even when they are legitimately ill) that they offer to work from home. Beware – this will leave you no time to watch talk shows or porn in your jim jams. If you’re asked to work from home, calmly explain that your ailment will inhibit you in some way. Look up a medical dictionary to offer a more believable excuse.

10. If it’s Embarrassing People Believe You (or I can’t come in today, I have pubic lice)
It’s easy to have a common cold but if you want your sickie to look more authentic try inventing an embarrassing ailment. This will do two things;
- Stop your boss asking difficult questions.
- Afford you sympathy from colleagues. I mean who would lie about having diarrhoea? Well, you, if you want take a day off and keep your sh*tty job, that’s who.

Got Tips? email us...

Procrastin...

2004-01-29T10:36:00.000Z

Group Hug
Time Waste Potential > 50 minutes.

The only safe place to reveal all the awful things you do each day at work i.e. the lying, the stealing, the cheating. Makes you realise that everyone, all over the World, is doing exactly the same things as you are. >>>

The World's Worst Jobs

2004-01-28T16:12:00.000Z

If your job doesn't include scooping sh*t or cleaning carcasses then you ain't got nothing on these bad boys. Welcome to workhate’s indispensable guide to cr*p jobs. After this lot you'll be stroking your company stapler with relief. Read 'em & weep.

1. Nappy sorter
One lucky woman in the US spends her day sorting through thousands of used baby nappies before they are bleached, cleaned and reused. Cleaning one nappy every two seconds, the colourful contents often drip onto her shoes. No matter – she merely uses the next nappy to clear up the offending spillage and moves on without even a pause for thought.

2. Animal m*sturb*tor
Researching animal fertility or artificial insemination poses one rather obvious problem: how is the sperm extracted in the first place? Researchers who want animal sperm have a number of less-than-attractive options at hand. Electroej*culation involves a r*ctal probe being used to send pulses of electricity through the ‘lucky’ animal’s nether regions. In the case of gaining semen from dairy bulls, an artificial v*gina known in the trade as an AV is commonly used (now you know what to spend Aunt Maud’s Christmas voucher on). Apparently, bulls soon learn what’s going on and follow instructions. Digital pleasure, which is used on pigs and even turkeys, involves the animals being administered a more, er, traditional method of relief.

3. Pesticide drinker
According to Discover magazine, you can get up to $200 a day for testing pesticides. No US laws govern such practises, and an industry spokesman commented, “It surely kills fewer people than drinking alcohol does and it also pays the victims, rather than having the victim pay.” We can’t help but think he’s missing the point.

4. Flatus odour judge
While odour judges might be used by dental companies researching the efficiency of toothpaste or mouthwash, one Minneapolis gastroenterologist recently paid two brave souls to indulge repeatedly in the odours of other people's f*rts. 16 healthy subjects volunteered to eat beans and insert plastic tubes into them. The gas was collected and inhaled by the odour judges.
Remember that next time you want to complain about a funny smell coming from the office fridge.

5. Isolation chamber tester
“Imagine taking a car trip cross-country with your family. Now imagine that it lasts for months on end, that you can't open the windows, and that you can never get out of the car.” That's how Marc Shepanek, NASA's Deputy Chief for Medicine in Extreme Environments once described the severe psychological challenge that astronauts face on long-distance space missions. But at least they’re going somewhere. Just imagine the torture of the men and women picked to test the immobile isolation chambers on the ground. At NASA, space engineers responsible for on-board life-support systems regularly spend months at a time in uncomfortable captivity to test the equipment. Extra cash? No. Still not convinced? You try recyling your own urine for drinking water. Then repeat it a dozen more times over the next 91 days. Exactly.

6. Carcass cleaner
Natural history museums display clean white skeletons or neatly stuffed animals, but their field biologists drag in rather less attractive specimens, commonly carcasses ripe with rotting flesh. Each museum's onsite taxidermist has his own favourite technique for sprucing his specimen up to display standards. One zoologist swears by his preferred strain of flesh-eating buffalo-hide beetles, while Jeppe Møhl at the University of Copenhagen Zoological Museum deposits sperm whales and dolphins into vast empty tanks and lets nature take its course. Finally there's the old Fatal Attraction boiling method which is useful for samples that even the bugs won't touch. It’s an approach favoured by archaeologist Sandra Olsen, who can only say of boiling down tough old hyena paws: "It felt like inhaling the gases would literally kill us” Luckily for her it merely gave her a lung infection.

7. Sewage plant gate cleaner
Working in a sewage treatment plant is a grim proposition at the best of times. But some lucky individuals are plucked from obscurity to scrub the gates that filter out all the ‘material’ from the water as it passes through the plant’s cleaning cycle. Not so much ‘diving for pearls’ as ‘diving for t*rds’, then.

8. Asbestos remover
The developed world now has a clear understanding of the risks of being in close proximity to asbestos (lung cancer, heart disease, skin complaints, infertility) and it is no longer used as a building material. Luckily, it is now uniformally being removed. One poor soul explains, ‘All day I crawl around in dirt, grime, and spiders in my underwear inside an air-tight suit wearing a very uncomfortable respirator. Millions of asbestos fibres float around me, getting in my hair and eyes. I would be a prison guard any day of the week over an asbestos remover. This is by far the worst job in the world.’

9. Endangered species ecologist
Think your job is pointless? Can’t see where you’re going or why you even bother turning up to work anymore? Try being an Endangered Species Ecologist. The lush island of Hawaii (okay, it sounds pretty good so far, granted...) has 34 bird species on the endangered list. Half a dozen of these feathered friends haven't been seen for decades, but faithful scientists don't have the heart to declare them extinct. Futile much?

10. Taxi driver
The job you’re most likely to be murdered while doing. Enough said.

Think you can top these? email us...

Career New Year Resolutions

2004-01-27T11:32:00.000Z

If January makes you feel a little lost inside why not be proactive and read this guide to New Year Resolutions that could get you a better job, but probably won’t.

As December sped by in a drunken haze of parties, sick days and shirking, the addled thoughts of the overworked, underpaid, over-qualified office worker inevitably turned to the New Year rushing toward them.

In the face of another twelve months of loathsome colleagues, horrid sandwiches, inane banter and tear-inducing commutes; the day to day comforts of theft/deception suddenly seem unrewarding. Not even these simple pleasures can shift the naked misery and shame that lurks in the heart of most Workhaters.

And so it must end. Time for some Career New Year Resolutions (CNYR’s)…

“I will go freelance.”
Why struggle into a miserable, neon-lit sweatbox and tolerate the bad breath of management down your neck when you could be working unencumbered from the comfort of your own bijou pad? Why get up in the dark when you could rise at 9.45am and work in your PJs with a pot of jasmine tea at your side? Why indeed. To radically change the way your career path is easy. All you need to do is knock up some business cards, slyly print out the company database, put in a few hours each evening writing letters/winning clients and you’re away!

CNYR Life Expectancy – Two weeks. Designing a logo and deciding whether to be called “Chief Executive Officer” or “President” is great fun, but the idea of leaving the PAYE system is horrifying. Also, who has a bijou pad? In fact, what’s a bijou? No, try working from home and watch as your “bedroom” turns from “office” to “prison” and you realise that with no one else to blame for your unfinished workload you really are an unproductive little sh*t.

“I will get promoted and leave for a rival firm for tonnes of money.”
It makes so much sense – get into work early, leave late, have great ideas, cut out the slacking, suck up, and use your superior skills to get to the next level. Then send your CV to rival companies and say you’d love to meet for a “chat”. You’ll be out-earning your boss and driving a company Jag before the snow melts!

CNYR Life Expectancy – 2.4 minutes. You’ve already screwed it up by failing to make it into work until lunchtime on Wednesday 7th, you lazy, drunken fool.

“I will find a new job close to home.”
Sleep late, walk to the office, pop home for lunch… what could be better?

CNYR Life Expectancy – 15 minutes, or as long as it takes to pick up the local paper/pop into the local recruitment agency. Who the hell wants to work as a fish gutter in Streatham or as a part-time doctors’ receptionist in Bounds Green?

“I will do something crazy/worthy.”
If you’re underpaid anyway why not save your grubby little soul and help underprivileged children with dewy, pleading eyes in, um, somewhere exotic and poor. But not too hot. Or dangerous. And with a fairly decent nightlife. And stable political regime. And cable. And no funny diseases.

CNYR Life Expectancy – Three weeks. It’s lovely to feel worthy but once you’ve had to poo in a hole and eat bugs your old job will seem like a wonderful, half remembered dream.

Misery loves company - email us...