Career New Year Resolutions

If January makes you feel a little lost inside why not be proactive and read this guide to New Year Resolutions that could get you a better job, but probably won’t.

As December sped by in a drunken haze of parties, sick days and shirking, the addled thoughts of the overworked, underpaid, over-qualified office worker inevitably turned to the New Year rushing toward them.

In the face of another twelve months of loathsome colleagues, horrid sandwiches, inane banter and tear-inducing commutes; the day to day comforts of theft/deception suddenly seem unrewarding. Not even these simple pleasures can shift the naked misery and shame that lurks in the heart of most Workhaters.

And so it must end. Time for some Career New Year Resolutions (CNYR’s)…

“I will go freelance.”
Why struggle into a miserable, neon-lit sweatbox and tolerate the bad breath of management down your neck when you could be working unencumbered from the comfort of your own bijou pad? Why get up in the dark when you could rise at 9.45am and work in your PJs with a pot of jasmine tea at your side? Why indeed. To radically change the way your career path is easy. All you need to do is knock up some business cards, slyly print out the company database, put in a few hours each evening writing letters/winning clients and you’re away!

CNYR Life Expectancy – Two weeks. Designing a logo and deciding whether to be called “Chief Executive Officer” or “President” is great fun, but the idea of leaving the PAYE system is horrifying. Also, who has a bijou pad? In fact, what’s a bijou? No, try working from home and watch as your “bedroom” turns from “office” to “prison” and you realise that with no one else to blame for your unfinished workload you really are an unproductive little sh*t.

“I will get promoted and leave for a rival firm for tonnes of money.”
It makes so much sense – get into work early, leave late, have great ideas, cut out the slacking, suck up, and use your superior skills to get to the next level. Then send your CV to rival companies and say you’d love to meet for a “chat”. You’ll be out-earning your boss and driving a company Jag before the snow melts!

CNYR Life Expectancy – 2.4 minutes. You’ve already screwed it up by failing to make it into work until lunchtime on Wednesday 7th, you lazy, drunken fool.

“I will find a new job close to home.”
Sleep late, walk to the office, pop home for lunch… what could be better?

CNYR Life Expectancy – 15 minutes, or as long as it takes to pick up the local paper/pop into the local recruitment agency. Who the hell wants to work as a fish gutter in Streatham or as a part-time doctors’ receptionist in Bounds Green?

“I will do something crazy/worthy.”
If you’re underpaid anyway why not save your grubby little soul and help underprivileged children with dewy, pleading eyes in, um, somewhere exotic and poor. But not too hot. Or dangerous. And with a fairly decent nightlife. And stable political regime. And cable. And no funny diseases.

CNYR Life Expectancy – Three weeks. It’s lovely to feel worthy but once you’ve had to poo in a hole and eat bugs your old job will seem like a wonderful, half remembered dream.

Misery loves company - email us...