4/27/2004

Work Hate CURRICULUM VITAE

Name: Davina Oliver
Age: 25
Address: Granny Flat, The Pines, Carson Crescent, New Southgate


EDUCATION

Thunderbird Comprehensive, New Southgate
I found school to be a wonderful outlet for my creativity, managing to skive a whole term of physical education using only a pad of Basildon Bond, a pot of tiger balm, and my older sister's polisystic ovaries.

Bong College of Tertiary Education, Camden
Sixth form life expanded my mind, and honed my skills in weights, measures, and financial transactions.

Gap year - New Southgate Golf Club
Like so many of my contemporaries, I opted for a gap year. After considering charity work in Rwanda, I accepted a challenging position as a kitchen porter for New Southgate Golf Club, where I could not only learn about the intricacies of the working world, but also pay back the court fines.

Bognor Poly University, Bognor
When searching for the right university, the all-embracing admissions policy at Bognor appealled the most strongly, accepting students not on grades or points, but on the fact that they had applied. Whilst there, I learned many useful skills, such as getting a deposit back by not paying the last month's rent. At the end of my course, I attained at degree in, um, sports science? (Check with mum)

WORK EXPERIENCE

Bar Maid, New Southgate Golf Club, September 2002 - December 2002
After a relaxing break from the stresses of academia, I rejoined New Southgate Golf Club in a front of house capacity, enabling the ceasation of enthusiastic daily careers advice from my mother, and furthering my expertise in the specialist field of drink-driving golf carts.

Charity Fundraiser, December 2002 - April 2003
In December 2002, having decided the time was ripe to harvest the fruits of my university education, I enrolled with my local branch of Office Stars, who helpfully arranged for me to stand out in the pissing rain, irritating the sh*t out of people.

Adult Entertainment Executive, April 2003 - May 2003
Aiming to raise money for a round the world trip, I took a position as a dancer in popular Northolt night spot. However, I decided not to complete the three month probation following an accidental fall from a slippery pole, where a customer was injured and I was subsequently frog-marched to the 492 bus stop in a thong, cowboy boots and nipple tassels.

Administrative Assistant, Bumblefuk & Groper, May 2003 - present
For the last year, I have worked for Bumblefuk & Groper solicitors in Crouch End. Responsibilities include:

 Misappropriation of stationery
 Refreshment facilitation and co-ordination
 Daily upkeep of the instant messaging system
 Rest facility specific deep meditation
 Reaching low files for senior staff members

After a year and Bumblefuk & Groper, I feel I have mastered all there is to learn at the firm, and am ready to move on to anything, anything else at all.

ABOUT ME
I am an outgoing, fun-loving person who relishes a challenge, and a successful one-on-one communicator (42 last count!). Since the passing of my grandmother, I enjoy an independent life whilst maintaining strong family ties, frequently seeing my mother when she heads up the garden to remove furry mugs from under my bed.

Hobbies include, socialising with a large network of acquaintances, one-on-one communications, um, pony riding, and jigsaws.

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