Lunch Larson Lunacy

The Seattle Times reports on the workplace phenomenon of the food thief.

Susie Findell was working for a health-care organization years ago when she encountered an odd and disturbing problem in the workplace.
"Someone would go into our lunch sacks or lunchboxes and take a bite out of our sandwiches," she says.

Dear God! Is nothing sacred?

“Oh sure, laugh now,” Susie rebuffs, “but at the time the hungry victims weren't amused. It's very invasive,” she adds. “We were very upset.”

To avoid this type of trauma, memorize our list of Workplace Eater Anomalies. We also suggest you create flashcards for your next team meeting.

The Finisher –
Characteristics: You’re just about to make a hot drink but alas, the Finisher has only moments before used up the last of the milk, sugar, coffee and also has the last clean cup. As you forage hopelessly through the fridge, the Finisher will watch you with their big puppy dog eyes and sip from their steaming mug. Wankers.
Most likely to say: “Ah, sorry – I think I just used the last of it.”

The Sharer –
Characteristics: Back in 1986 the Sharer brought a chocolate cake for morning tea and ever since has used this as a way of bullying co-workers out of food. They also have the ability to hear a packet of biscuits being opened within a 20 mile radius.
Most likely to say: “Isn’t it your turn to make coffee for everyone?”

The Secret Eater –
Characteristics: No one has seen them consume food, ever. Possibly anorexic and/or stuck up.
Most likely to say: “No really, I had a huge breakfast.”

The Borrower –
Characteristics: Plans to replace the food they eat but never gets round to it. Even managed to find the things you hid behind that jar of pickled onions which have been there since World War 2.
Most likely to say: “Oh, I hope you don’t mind - I just had a few.”

The Snack Machine –
Characteristics: Inability to consume anything vaguely nutritious. Continually away from desk purchasing “eats”. Winegums a dietary staple.
Most likely to say: “So the doctor says I’m hyperglycemic...”

The Hamburglar –
Characteristics: Easy to spot due to his love of hamburgers, stripy suit and the fact that he’s a fictional character used to market junk food to children.
Most likely to say: Not a big talker. Will say “Robble robble robble” if pushed, whatever the f*ck that means.

Anyway, give up eating your lunch at the office. It’s bad for your health.