2/20/2004

Company Assets

Got baps? Use 'em. And I don't mean prawn and egg baps from M&S, I'm talking about the Girls. Big 'n bouncy, little 'n pointy, perky 'n firm, these little bags of fun are your built-in skiving accomplice.

* Stock up on button-up blouses and zip-up cardigans - flexibility is the key. Displaying your puppies to female colleagues will put their nose out of joint, but an unexpected progress meeting with a male boss could go right up the swanny when your only get out of jail free cards are battened down under a heavy knit.

* When facing a perilous time in the office, trying to bag a client, asking for extra time off, running to be late, etc. wear flimsy fabrics and an unpadded bra. Think icebergs and stand in a draft. They'll be so captivated by the peanuts thrusting forth from your shirt that they won't catch a word you said, and will have no choice but to give you whatever you ask for. This works on both sexes.

* Using bre*sts on l*sbians is a schoolgirl error - don't do it. They have breasts too, you know, and probably have far more fun using them to bamboozle dribbling males than you do.

* Bend over a lot. You might be a work-shy, lazy-*ss p*ss-taker, but a give your boss a long, lingering eyeful of your softly fragrant bosom on a regular basis, and the rancid little p*rv'll be shelling out for your rent for as long as you want him to.

* Press them into people. Birthdays, leaving dos, contract celebrations, hell, the Friday before a long weekend - when hugging male colleagues, give 'em a little squish. In straight man land, this means you are longing to do the horizontal tango, and the memory of that one brush of those little bags of fat should have him fighting your corner forever. If he forgets, simply toy with your neckline to snap his mind back to his pants where it belongs.

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