Pedal to the Metal

10 things to do when you’re busy as h*ll at work.

Buy the largest packet of painkiller you can find. If anyone starts putting pressure on you, hold them up and yell, “Don’t make me take all of these!”

Outsource. Through the wonders of the Internet a 14 year old Lithuanian will complete your spreadsheets for little more than 2 pence a week (U.S. 5 cents).

Set achievable goals and reward yourself with bits and bobs from the stationary cupboard when you attain them.

Never underestimate the power of crying.

Don’t ignore your daily procrastinations; use time management to keep them in your schedule.

Find times to de-stress and use deep breathing exercises at least once every day. Team Meetings are a good place to start.

See how quickly you can push all the buttons on your keyboard. It’s a great way to get rid of tension, and if anyone’s looking they’ll think you’re working really, really fast.

Avoid talking to anyone by pretending you have laryngitis. If they still persist, try shaking your body and rolling your eyes as if you’re having a seizure.

Take up smoking. That way you get a couple more breaks every day.

Replace regular coffee with decaf to make you feel less edgy. Then substitute the caffeine with amphet*mines for that extra get-up-and-go.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

haha this is honestly the greatest thing ever. quarter end sucks, its busy as hell and although i don't think any of these would fool my fellow banker co-workers, they did give me a good laugh and made me feel a little less like hurting the majority of my co-workers (figurately speaking)

8:28 pm  
Anonymous Claire said...

Agree that this is all sound advice - have certainly cried before today, and split even the smallest tasks into even tinier chunks and considered my employers mighty lucky I show up at all!

4:48 am  
Anonymous claire said...

I couldn't see a 'comment' option on the Sick Day Advice page, but thought I would pass on a further word of advice:

Further to your advice on faking injury: rather than applying a cosmetic bruise upon one’s return, I highly recommend a serious-looking pressure bandage for arm or leg, combined with a subtle but consistent limp. This is a quick and easy alternative, requires no special makeup talents and the bandage/brace is easy to keep in a drawer or under the bed. I’ve had one since my waitressing days at university!!

4:52 am  

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