Skive of the Week

"I’m afraid I won’t be in on Friday; it’s the start of Vernal. You know - Spring Equinox. Actually, I don’t imagine I’ll make it in on Monday either. You know the days and nights balance on Sunday? I’m going to be well knackered; we’re spending all day Sunday sowing seeds, painting eggs and generally celebrating the first signs of fertility and rebirth because it’s the festival of Ostara. Ostara? You know, Norse Goddess of Fertility? Gee, I can’t wait ‘til the Sun God’s strength increases, can you?"

Company Announcement

It’s official, work is filthy. But, no fears, the diligent team here at workhate has come up with some alternatives to eating lunch at your desk.

1. Choose the most hygienic person in your office (one who has thrown their entire life into cleanliness due to lack of sex) and eat at their desk instead.

2. Find a vent or an unused cupboard and eat your lunch there. Make ghost noises when anyone walks nearby.

3. Bring a thick green tarpaulin to create a “hygiene tent” around your desk and insist that everyone go into the “decontamination chamber” before they enter. And by “decontamination chamber” we mean “sponge bath.”

4. Each day invite a colleague out for lunch at a restaurant and tell them a fictional personal tragedy to avoid paying.

5. Don’t touch your desk when you eat. Or your chair. Or the floor. In fact, hire someone to come in each day, cut up your food into little pieces and then drop it into your mouth from a height while you hop from one foot to the next.

6. Just have a very big breakfast and a very big dinner and sleep between meals to conserve energy.

7. Bring a cat to work each day to lick your hands and face clean before and after eating.

8. Eat outside on the windowsill. Throw your crusts at cars.

9. Don’t have lunch. Inform your colleagues that you’re going on a hunger strike until you get a pay rise. Hey, it worked for Gandhi.

10. Go out and have your lunch in a park or something, Einstein. Sheesh, you want us to eat it for you too?

Email us lunch.


Word Up

malinger \muh-LING-guhr\, intransitive verb:
To feign or exaggerate illness or inability in order to avoid
duty or work.