Become a Ghost Hunter
Time Waste Potential > Endless.

We’ve spent hours trying but might just give up and buy the t-shirt instead. >>>

Office Jargon

To avoid confusing office speak workhate proudly brings you a growing list of jargon definitions that will help you with inter-personnel communication. Or something.

Work Station
Area on which one’s colleagues can place unwanted work of their own.

Biz Dev
The sound a bee makes when it hits a window.

Human Resources
The art of utilising the work experience placement to full capacity - yet quietly blaming them if anything goes wrong.

Health & Safety
Taking a day off due to excessive alcohol/drug consumption the night before.

Getting a job so you can afford a holiday in Greece.

Equal Opportunities
Female/disabled/gay/ethnic minority employees should possess a good sense of humour about having their bottom pinched/being called 'stumpy'/bad Larry Grayson impersonations/racist jokes.

Ethical Trading
i) Having reservations about shagging your boss (in return for a pay rise/day off/company stapler) but doing it anyway.
ii) Ebay at work. If it's not nailed down, sell it. Someone, somewhere in the world is even more unfulfilled than you are.

Pay increase and title elevation bestowed on office spies.


The Great Sick Day Getaway

Skiving off work for mental health reasons is a national tradition and yet many people in the workforce are unsure how to go about it. We offer top tips on pulling a perfect sickie to secure a guilt free day off.

1. Do Your Groundwork
If you know you’re having a bender of a weekend and will need a day off start complaining about your ailment a few days beforehand. If for example you want to skive on a Monday, start complaining about a dry throat on, say, Thursday (“is it hot in here or just me?”). On Friday morning you can apply a slightly paler foundation or stay up the previous night playing Xbox to give you an unhealthy glow. Your colleagues will naturally presume that your ailment continued to get worse over the weekend culminating you being forced to take Monday off.

2. Choose a Day
It’s very important that you get your timing right. A sickie before (or during) deadlines can cause angry noises upstairs and will have you huddled at home wracked with guilt. The beginning of the week is unadvisable because everyone is instantly sceptical of another case of Mondayitess. If you want a long weekend why not take Friday off instead? That way you can be “well again” on Monday morning and most people would have forgotten about your day off altogether, thereby avoiding uncomfortable questions about your “illness”.

3. Use an Unknowing Accomplice
There’s a certain type of person who always has tissues & cough syrup. He/she is overly sympathetic, sweet and gullible. These naïve and gentle folk can be used ruthlessly. Accept their offer of pain killers (it’s always good if you look slightly spacey) and use their sympathy and natural inclination to gossip to spread the fact that you are “unwell” around your workplace. You’ll only need to blow your nose before people begin imploring you to go home and take it easy.

4. Learn to live with Guilt
The G word is your worst enemy. If you feel guilty about taking time off you won’t enjoy it. Find some reason to justify the time off and keep (silently) repeating the mantra to yourself. When in doubt just remind yourself that everyone else does it and it’s your right as a member of the free world to take advantage of the system whenever possible. Damn fat cats.

5. Always Ring up Yourself
It’s the perfect crime – you decide to skive off work and get your flatmate/lover/Uncle to ring up your boss to tell them you can’t come in.

Lose one point.

Getting someone else to ring up for you smacks of deceit - you might as well have Aunty admit that you’re bunking off to spend the day drinking Johnny Walker in the bath. Genuinely sick people ring up so that their employer can hear the illness in their voice and, funnily enough, to prove that they’re not just pulling a sickie. So bite the bullet and pick up that phone.

6. Making the Call
If you haven’t laid any groundwork you can’t feasibly pretend you’re on deaths door (although you can smoke 40 cigarettes a few hours before ringing if you want to use emphysema as your excuse). In any case it’s a mistake to sound too pathetic when calling up sick. Try and be apologetic but adamant. You are ill. Be specific about your ailment, perhaps making a bad joke (“I’ll never eat Hummus again!”) and use the decisive phrase “I’m not well enough to come into work today.” Keep the conversation brief and refrain from comedy coughing.

7. Be Ingenious
If you don’t have time for groundwork try this simple trick to give you approx 1 – 3 days off. Ring your work and tell them that it’s very embarrassing but you fell over and hurt your leg. On the morning of your return get a dark coloured foundation and rub some on your knee to create a makeshift bruise. When you (limp) into work give your colleagues a brief flash of the bruise and watch their faces crumple in sympathy. That’ll teach ‘em for doubting you.

8. Never Tell the Truth
Don’t make the mistake of telling a colleague that you’re pulling a sickie – you don’t want them revealing it by accident or when grilled by the boss, or for it to be used against you at a later date.

9. Be Wary of e-lancing
Some people are so wracked with guilt when they pull a sickie (or even when they are legitimately ill) that they offer to work from home. Beware – this will leave you no time to watch talk shows or porn in your jim jams. If you’re asked to work from home, calmly explain that your ailment will inhibit you in some way. Look up a medical dictionary to offer a more believable excuse.

10. If it’s Embarrassing People Believe You (or I can’t come in today, I have pubic lice)
It’s easy to have a common cold but if you want your sickie to look more authentic try inventing an embarrassing ailment. This will do two things;
- Stop your boss asking difficult questions.
- Afford you sympathy from colleagues. I mean who would lie about having diarrhoea? Well, you, if you want take a day off and keep your sh*tty job, that’s who.

Got Tips? email us...


Group Hug
Time Waste Potential > 50 minutes.

The only safe place to reveal all the awful things you do each day at work i.e. the lying, the stealing, the cheating. Makes you realise that everyone, all over the World, is doing exactly the same things as you are. >>>


The World's Worst Jobs

If your job doesn't include scooping sh*t or cleaning carcasses then you ain't got nothing on these bad boys. Welcome to workhate’s indispensable guide to cr*p jobs. After this lot you'll be stroking your company stapler with relief. Read 'em & weep.

1. Nappy sorter
One lucky woman in the US spends her day sorting through thousands of used baby nappies before they are bleached, cleaned and reused. Cleaning one nappy every two seconds, the colourful contents often drip onto her shoes. No matter – she merely uses the next nappy to clear up the offending spillage and moves on without even a pause for thought.

2. Animal m*sturb*tor
Researching animal fertility or artificial insemination poses one rather obvious problem: how is the sperm extracted in the first place? Researchers who want animal sperm have a number of less-than-attractive options at hand. Electroej*culation involves a r*ctal probe being used to send pulses of electricity through the ‘lucky’ animal’s nether regions. In the case of gaining semen from dairy bulls, an artificial v*gina known in the trade as an AV is commonly used (now you know what to spend Aunt Maud’s Christmas voucher on). Apparently, bulls soon learn what’s going on and follow instructions. Digital pleasure, which is used on pigs and even turkeys, involves the animals being administered a more, er, traditional method of relief.

3. Pesticide drinker
According to Discover magazine, you can get up to $200 a day for testing pesticides. No US laws govern such practises, and an industry spokesman commented, “It surely kills fewer people than drinking alcohol does and it also pays the victims, rather than having the victim pay.” We can’t help but think he’s missing the point.

4. Flatus odour judge
While odour judges might be used by dental companies researching the efficiency of toothpaste or mouthwash, one Minneapolis gastroenterologist recently paid two brave souls to indulge repeatedly in the odours of other people's f*rts. 16 healthy subjects volunteered to eat beans and insert plastic tubes into them. The gas was collected and inhaled by the odour judges.
Remember that next time you want to complain about a funny smell coming from the office fridge.

5. Isolation chamber tester
“Imagine taking a car trip cross-country with your family. Now imagine that it lasts for months on end, that you can't open the windows, and that you can never get out of the car.” That's how Marc Shepanek, NASA's Deputy Chief for Medicine in Extreme Environments once described the severe psychological challenge that astronauts face on long-distance space missions. But at least they’re going somewhere. Just imagine the torture of the men and women picked to test the immobile isolation chambers on the ground. At NASA, space engineers responsible for on-board life-support systems regularly spend months at a time in uncomfortable captivity to test the equipment. Extra cash? No. Still not convinced? You try recyling your own urine for drinking water. Then repeat it a dozen more times over the next 91 days. Exactly.

6. Carcass cleaner
Natural history museums display clean white skeletons or neatly stuffed animals, but their field biologists drag in rather less attractive specimens, commonly carcasses ripe with rotting flesh. Each museum's onsite taxidermist has his own favourite technique for sprucing his specimen up to display standards. One zoologist swears by his preferred strain of flesh-eating buffalo-hide beetles, while Jeppe Møhl at the University of Copenhagen Zoological Museum deposits sperm whales and dolphins into vast empty tanks and lets nature take its course. Finally there's the old Fatal Attraction boiling method which is useful for samples that even the bugs won't touch. It’s an approach favoured by archaeologist Sandra Olsen, who can only say of boiling down tough old hyena paws: "It felt like inhaling the gases would literally kill us” Luckily for her it merely gave her a lung infection.

7. Sewage plant gate cleaner
Working in a sewage treatment plant is a grim proposition at the best of times. But some lucky individuals are plucked from obscurity to scrub the gates that filter out all the ‘material’ from the water as it passes through the plant’s cleaning cycle. Not so much ‘diving for pearls’ as ‘diving for t*rds’, then.

8. Asbestos remover
The developed world now has a clear understanding of the risks of being in close proximity to asbestos (lung cancer, heart disease, skin complaints, infertility) and it is no longer used as a building material. Luckily, it is now uniformally being removed. One poor soul explains, ‘All day I crawl around in dirt, grime, and spiders in my underwear inside an air-tight suit wearing a very uncomfortable respirator. Millions of asbestos fibres float around me, getting in my hair and eyes. I would be a prison guard any day of the week over an asbestos remover. This is by far the worst job in the world.’

9. Endangered species ecologist
Think your job is pointless? Can’t see where you’re going or why you even bother turning up to work anymore? Try being an Endangered Species Ecologist. The lush island of Hawaii (okay, it sounds pretty good so far, granted...) has 34 bird species on the endangered list. Half a dozen of these feathered friends haven't been seen for decades, but faithful scientists don't have the heart to declare them extinct. Futile much?

10. Taxi driver
The job you’re most likely to be murdered while doing. Enough said.

Think you can top these? email us...


Career New Year Resolutions

If January makes you feel a little lost inside why not be proactive and read this guide to New Year Resolutions that could get you a better job, but probably won’t.

As December sped by in a drunken haze of parties, sick days and shirking, the addled thoughts of the overworked, underpaid, over-qualified office worker inevitably turned to the New Year rushing toward them.

In the face of another twelve months of loathsome colleagues, horrid sandwiches, inane banter and tear-inducing commutes; the day to day comforts of theft/deception suddenly seem unrewarding. Not even these simple pleasures can shift the naked misery and shame that lurks in the heart of most Workhaters.

And so it must end. Time for some Career New Year Resolutions (CNYR’s)…

“I will go freelance.”
Why struggle into a miserable, neon-lit sweatbox and tolerate the bad breath of management down your neck when you could be working unencumbered from the comfort of your own bijou pad? Why get up in the dark when you could rise at 9.45am and work in your PJs with a pot of jasmine tea at your side? Why indeed. To radically change the way your career path is easy. All you need to do is knock up some business cards, slyly print out the company database, put in a few hours each evening writing letters/winning clients and you’re away!

CNYR Life Expectancy – Two weeks. Designing a logo and deciding whether to be called “Chief Executive Officer” or “President” is great fun, but the idea of leaving the PAYE system is horrifying. Also, who has a bijou pad? In fact, what’s a bijou? No, try working from home and watch as your “bedroom” turns from “office” to “prison” and you realise that with no one else to blame for your unfinished workload you really are an unproductive little sh*t.

“I will get promoted and leave for a rival firm for tonnes of money.”
It makes so much sense – get into work early, leave late, have great ideas, cut out the slacking, suck up, and use your superior skills to get to the next level. Then send your CV to rival companies and say you’d love to meet for a “chat”. You’ll be out-earning your boss and driving a company Jag before the snow melts!

CNYR Life Expectancy – 2.4 minutes. You’ve already screwed it up by failing to make it into work until lunchtime on Wednesday 7th, you lazy, drunken fool.

“I will find a new job close to home.”
Sleep late, walk to the office, pop home for lunch… what could be better?

CNYR Life Expectancy – 15 minutes, or as long as it takes to pick up the local paper/pop into the local recruitment agency. Who the hell wants to work as a fish gutter in Streatham or as a part-time doctors’ receptionist in Bounds Green?

“I will do something crazy/worthy.”
If you’re underpaid anyway why not save your grubby little soul and help underprivileged children with dewy, pleading eyes in, um, somewhere exotic and poor. But not too hot. Or dangerous. And with a fairly decent nightlife. And stable political regime. And cable. And no funny diseases.

CNYR Life Expectancy – Three weeks. It’s lovely to feel worthy but once you’ve had to poo in a hole and eat bugs your old job will seem like a wonderful, half remembered dream.

Misery loves company - email us...