Time Waste Potential > 45 minutes.

If they hadn’t already created Fametracker we’d try and build it really quickly before anyone else thought of it, and perhaps make lots of money. But they have. Lucky punks. >>>


Office Jargon 2

To avoid confusing office speak workhate proudly brings you a growing list of jargon definitions that will help you with inter-personnel communication. Or something.

Time Management
i) The art of doing just enough work to fill a 40 hour Excel spreadsheet, whilst spending the majority of the week surfing for a new job and replying to personal emails.
ii) Stretch your lunch hour to the max by leaving your desk 5 minutes after everyone else does, yet say you went 5 minutes before they arrived back. Soon, you'll be enjoying two hour lunches at leisure.

Stationary supplies
A useful pool of attractive Post It Notes, coloured paper clips, binders, folders, envelopes, and good quality paper, useful for the production of impressive CVs and the topping up of employees’ home supplies.

Media Job
Inclusion of the word ‘media’ in any job advertisement entitles employers to slash salaries to just below that of a street sweeper, whilst demanding long hours, fashionable clothing, gratitude, and sexual favours.

Company Mail
Too much Xmas shopping? Don't struggle home with it on the bus. Post it home. Also very handy for sending those ebay valuables you've sold to someone in Mongolia via courier.

Naïve, fresh, wide-eyed workforce newbie, armed with an irrelevant degree, ready to take on the world of work. Useful for washing up and filing. Will work for practically nothing, less if job description contains the word ‘placement’.

Environmental Policy
Deciding who does all the dishes in the shared kitchen.

Emailing a colleague sitting opposite, asking them if they’d like a drink after work and then winking when they make eye contact.

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Top Ten Reasons to Actually Do Some Work

Very occassionally it pays to be productive at your job. Here are 10 reasons why you should put down that newspaper and inject a little get up & go into your day. Warning: the following requires actual 'work'.

1. Your superiors will be out of the office the next day.
Get tiresome tasks out of the way, leaving the management-free time available for non-PC based distractions, such as reading the paper. Most work avoidance techniques involve the computer to escape detection, but staring at a screen all day is bad for your eyes. Clear the way for a well-deserved break.

2. You have become bored with group email/web board/PC game/texting/searching for alternative employment/drawing unflattering caricatures of colleagues.
Under no circumstances must you become tired of these things. They are your lifeline. Without them, you have nothing.

3. There is a meeting coming up.
Always keep a keen eye on meeting dates when you will have to report back on your activities. Highlight your responsibilities in the minutes and make sure you have them all accomplished by the meeting date, enabling you to chirpily prattle on about how you have progressed the tasks you were given. Be vocal as you carry out the tasks, making others feel inefficient. This way, you can maintain a charade of usefulness when you are, in fact, a lazy toe rag.

4. Writing a ‘to do’ list.
Update this daily; it doesn’t matter if you are simply transferring the list to the next page in your notebook. Compiling a list every morning keeps tasks fresh in your mind for when colleagues ask you what you are doing, and if you are busy (‘god yes, I’ve got to blah blah blah, couldn’t possibly do x, sorry!’). Make sure to add easily accomplishable or imaginary tasks to the list, so you can cross them out with great aplomb at 5.30 and say ‘At least I got through half of it!’ before sweeping off home, cloaked in a smug air of accomplishment. A few minutes every day could save hours of actual work and makes you appear on top of things.

5. It is not the work you are getting paid for.
Get some freelance work, do it during office hours and get paid twice.

6. Expenses.
‘Nuff said.

7. Time sheets.
These are very important for shirkers who are asked to account for their time in the office. Take a few extra moments to get it right.

8. Training.
Say yes to everything, especially the free stuff. It will help you get the hell out of there one day. If no training is offered, ask. In addition to the main benefit, there are usually sandwiches, and you can offload a few of the more tedious and permanent items on your to do list onto colleagues, saying you are really worried it won’t get finished in time due to this ‘bl**dy training’.

9. There’s a promotion coming up.
If you can convince your superiors you are worthy of promotion, you can surf on their time for more money, perhaps even in your own office! While you’re stuck there, you might as well take them for everything you can.

10. Your boss is standing behind you.
Made you jump.

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