Welcome Comrades!

Greetings! Help yourself to some of our favourite WH articles and check out our archives.



How to lie and take a day off work
A guide to the great sick day getaway.

Are you a Metros*xual?
Take our test.

Using your rack to get a promotion
Tit for tat.

10 things to do when you're busy at work
Don't make work for idle hands.

Work is filthy
Why going to work is bad for your health.

The Work H@te CV
How we didn't get the job, we'll never know.

The World's worst jobs.
You thought you had it bad.

Job interview tips!
The Dos and Don'ts.

Job interview tips!
Reasons for leaving your previous job.

Working from home
Daytime TV & lots of toast.

Exit Interview

Work H@te
Exit interview
17/09/04
Interviewer: Roundy Tubson

Reasons for leaving
It was agreed that, while Work H@te has been a lively member of the team, now is an excellent and opportune time to part company.

Work H@te's performance over the last year has been, at best, reluctant. Work H@te informs us that the reason for any lack luster effort was a dissatisfaction with the role (quote: "I'd rather staplegun my eyes to my brain than input one more digit into one more spreadsheet, you overly-officious, jumped-up, sneering little tub-bucket").

Outstanding issues
Although the subject was broached, Work H@te was not prepared to volunteer information regarding the still unexplained stationery deficit that coincided with Work H@te's time at the company. We would like to state for the record that Work H@te was wearing what can only be described as a smug smirk whenever this subject was mentioned. The interviewer would also like it to be noted that his pen and pad were missing at the end of the exit interview.

When quizzed about persistent ill health and absence, Work H@te fixed the interviewer with a steely look and responded: "Mondayphobia is a very serious and distressing medical condition. Any more implications that this is not the case will be dealt with by my lawyers."

Future plans
When discussing future plans, Work H@te became delirious; sobbing, laughing, and skipping around the room, singing: "I'm going to the other side of the planet to write a book! I'm going to be a writer on a national newspaper paper! Ah ha! Ah ha ha ha ha! Ah haaaaa!"

Leaving party
After mutual agreement that any further time spent together would be a second too long, Work H@te's leaving celebrations will entail the presentation of the bath salts and card purchased with the £3.12 from the circulated envelope. This will be followed by the ceremonial carrying of the pot plant and left over tinned soups from the desk drawer to the MD's car for the official 'last day lift to the station', and 'insincere wave-off'.

Comments
Work H@te was a difficult employee; reluctant to join the lottery syndicate or weekly line-dance bonding exercise. We are glad that they are finally moving on.

Procrastin...

Tricks of the Trade
Time Waste Potential > 6 1/2 minutes



We recommend creating your own version of the Butchers’ Secret Language to use around the office. Tae Tish Sob!

Procrastin...

Wordcount
Time Waste Potential > 11 minutes



Beautiful and strangely addictive. Addictive – 10577. See?

The Dog ate my Home Work

OK, so we’re working from home at the moment and we thought it was going to a riot. Well, at least better than the daily misery we’re used to...

● Two words: Dial. Up. The Internet broadband revolution seems like a half-remembered dream.

● Being woken by the postman at 11.30am. The man’s got a bl**dy nerve.

● Absent-mindedly shovelling pickled onions, crab sticks, sausage rolls, wedges of cheddar and a jar of pesto into your face only to come round three hours later covered in mashed olives and flaky pastry.

● Being forced to watch cr*ppy day time TV soaps and charitably endure the acting efforts of imbeciles. Well, maybe not “forced” forced.

● No canteen - Beans on toast and half a Twix found in the sofa just don't cut it.

● The people you live with having no respect for your schedule, your workspace, or your love for cr*ppy day time TV soaps.

● Not getting the same sugar rush when you read Popbitch / Holy Moly / endless blogs / google news / p*rn in your own home.

● There’s no pre-work, after work or lunchtime rush at the gym. Bargain off-peak prices. Damn.

● My workstation - it is covered in crumbs and splashy tea! My screen - It is blue with an error message! Cleaners? IT Support? Hello? I take it all back, I take it all baaaaaack....!

Procrastin...

Seven Deadly Sins
Time Waste Potential > Depends on how slothful you are, sinner



Ever wondered what the eternal punishment for being greedy? Well you’re put in cauldrons of boiling oil, of course! This website pulls no punches when discussing the very worst side of humanity - “You probably commit some of them every day without thinking about the rich tradition of eternal damnation in which you’re participating” – but luckily has a sense of humour with it, because as it explains, “haven’t people always been immoral, shiftless, self gratifying, good-for-nothing sh*ts”? We’ll drink to that!

Warning: May make you think twice about sleeping with your married co-worker or stealing from the office. Then again it probably won’t.

The Art of Giving

Bored of the same old card / cake combo every time a colleague has a birthday / gets hitched / goes to jail? Then why not try something a little different…



Roll Your Own

Oragami, the Japanese art of paper folding, has been around for hundreds of years. Now welcome the origami boulder, or “wadded up paper” as coined by its creater. Not only do they make great gifts, but for an extra few bucks your origami boulder will come with a hand written haiku. Bonsai!

Don’t come back, Hilary

Lumbered with the sad envelope of twenty pence coins that constitutes Hilary’s retirement pressie fund? Never fear. The Retirement Gift Shop hosts a galaxy of moving and inspiring retirement gifts, including the $9.95 Don’t Look Back retirement candle, a 9 oz wax creation with tranquility fragrance, decorated with a ‘lovely beach sign’, that ‘reminds the retiree to move forward.’

Say it with a funeral car

Birthdays, maternity leave, retirement, new job. Nothing says ‘we neither know nor are fond of anything about you’ like a business card sculpture.Yes, for just $64.95 + shipping, you can convert twenty business cards into an amazing bottled card sculpture of a golfer, an ambulance, a computer, even a stock counter. In the words of Business Card Sculptures, they are, ‘truly, a work of art.’
Looking for something a little different? How about a business card hearse, the perfect retirement gift.